1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
