I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize