Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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