I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
