I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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