fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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