my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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