i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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