Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
