my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
