I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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