I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
