god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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