I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
