Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize