Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I intend to get homeless drunk
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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