and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
