Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
