its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
