she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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