and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
