Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize