I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
there is glitter all over my balls
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
