Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize