why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
whose parrot is this?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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