i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
