mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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