just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
