all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
