On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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