he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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