I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
