Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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