I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize