I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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