I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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