i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
