Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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