found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
