i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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