She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
PANTIES FOUND
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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