If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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