Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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