his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
