Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
