This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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