the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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