A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
