oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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