The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
