meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize