Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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