Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
